Republicans Ban Left Turns
Thursday, January 31st, 2008
WASHINGTON - A nationwide left turn ban was drafted by an overwhelming majority of 51 to 49 in the Republican controlled senate this evening. It is now at the President’s desk where he is expected to sign it into law.
Like the nationwide law mandating that all French fries be renamed Freedom fries, and the steroids in baseball investigation that took place during President Bush’s terms in office, “this new law was enacted to keep Americans on the right path”, said President Stephen Baldwin. President Baldwin, brother of noted actor Alec Baldwin, rose to power after co-starring in Celebrity Apprentice and successfully running The Breaktrough Ministry and other projects aimed at evangelizing young people using skateboarding, extreme sports, Christian rock concerts, laser light shows, and other activities.
“Left turns invariable take the country, and your car, in the wrong direction,” said minister of Transportation Dan Rodriguez. “This law will save us billions of dollars; it saves UPS millions so why shouldn’t we try the same thing?” he added.
California, with its high number of motorists, is likely to be severely affected by the law. Vice president Schwarzenegger, former governor of that state, dismissed the problem saying: “Left turns are for the wimps. Besides, I’d take a hot latina over a left turn any time”.
Religious groups welcomed the law. A spoke-person for Focus on the Family said: “Now we will have moral certitude about our commute. No more flip-flopping on which way to go: It’s three right turns and you’re in the right direction.” He stated the law would benefit more than just drivers, saying that this law will help stem the “the penetration of homosexuality into the brains of our nation’s youth.” Adding, “now our nation’s kids know that there is only one way, the Right way.”
John Do-over, frequent contributor to Reason Magazine, a libertarian publication, opposed the ban and decried the current endorsement by the federal government about which way one is allowed to turn their car. “In nature, there are no left or right turns,” he said. When asked how libertarians would deal with turns at traffic intersections he said the solution would be a set of symbols denoting which way man, in His natural state, would turn. To maintain impartiality and a level playing field, the system “would be enhanced with automated, cold fusion-powered mechanisms deployed on heavily traffic intersection that allowed some people to turn safe across on-coming traffic.” He said this was not at all like the current left turn signal because, in his proposal, libertarians had come up with it and not you.
